A life without awesome
by zoney569
Summary: Gilbert Beilschmidt is a student of Hetalia high school, but there is a secret behind those "awesome eyes". Maybe a certain Canadian could help with this problem, but Gilbert will need to accept that he can't do everything alone. Self-harm mention.


"I just don't know why I am still here..." Gilbert sighed and covered his face. "Fuck, I feel so unawesome."

It was 3:20 am and he couldn't sleep, so he'd been lying on his bed surrounded by the darkness and his thoughts. His room was unusually messy, but he didn't care; he didn't even remember when he _stopped_ caring.

Gilbert, with a bone-deep ache that settled throughout his body, heaved himself up and just sat in his bed. Deciding that attempting to sleep was useless, he stood up quietly and walked to the bathroom. Careful to not wake up his brother or father, he closed the door and turned on the light. The sudden florescent light burned his eyes and washed his skin in yellow, and all he could do was stare at his reflection in the mirror.

His usual bright crimson eyes were now dull and tired and the bags beneath them stood out like bruises against his pale skin.

Gilbert snorted, " _And_ I look as awful as I feel. I'm going for a combo of nastiness apparently."

After staring for a few more moments, he leaned against the wall and slid down to the tiles below. Gilbert curled up and stayed like that for half an hour or so; time didn't mean much to him and was a continuous blur. When he finally stood up again, his eyes were puffy and red from crying. He looked back in the mirror, choked back a wail, and, while softly sobbing, he walked back to his room.

"I didn't want to do this, I swear. This entire thing - it's so unawesome. But..." he shook his head. Gilbert dropped to his knees and blindly felt underneath his bed before he felt the familiar, rough cardboard. He slid the box from its hiding place and took out the blade he had been hiding it in. It had been there for a few months now.

Again, Gilbert choked, but he managed to whisper, "I'm sorry. I don't even remember how all of this started in the first place."

~ 3 months earlier ~

The alarm rang exactly at 5:40 am, and it was abruptly turned off by an enthusiastic albino.

"First day of school!" Gilbert shouted from his room. He grinned and stood up from his bed before running directly to the kitchen, forgoing any sense of order. Instead, he slid happily into the room, exclaiming, "Good morning, Lud!"

His younger brother, Ludwig, had finished preparing his coffee when Gilbert entered the kitchen, all strict lines to Gilbert's messy chaos. Still, they were brothers, and Ludwig cracked a smile before saying, " _Guten Morgen_ , _Bruder_."

" _Vater_ already left?" Gilbert asked as he rummaged around for something to eat.

" _Ja._ " Ludwig took a sip of his coffee and continued, "He dropped off some money for you on the table."

"Ah, I feel so loved," the older crooned as he walked to the table, took the money, and went back upstairs to prepare for the day. As he bounded up the stairs, he made sure to yell back, "Maybe last semester sucked, but I will make sure that this time it will be awesome!"

With those thoughts in mind, he changed from his low-riding pajama pants into equally low-riding jeans and a random shirt. Gilbert didn't care for how he looked, he knew that no matter what he wore he was going to look awesome. The only thing he made sure of was that his phone was in his pocket and that everything was in his backpack.

After getting ready for the day, he rushed downstairs for the last time that morning, to where Ludwig was already waiting for him.

Ludwig looked up at his brother's noisy entrance, "If you had taken any longer, I would have left without you."

"Thanks, _Bruder_ ," Gilbert smiled. His little brother was always so caring - in his own way that is. It still didn't stop Gilbert's habit of ruffling his darling baby brother's hair when he passed him.

"Hey!" Ludwig ran his hands over his hair to make sure that it wasn't too messy. Maybe his brother didn't care, but he always tried to look neat and presentable.

Gilbert chuckled and entered the car, "If you keep protesting, I may be the one to leave you!"

Ludwig sighed and walked to the car. Maybe he wasn't the best with emotions, but he still felt happy when he saw that Gilbert was so enthusiastic about their first day.

The ride was full of Gilbert's talk about how he wished that his group would be awesome enough, how he wanted to see his friends again, and how he was going to have the "most awesome" scores. He wanted to prove to everyone, even himself, that he could _do it._ Ludwig only nodded when he thought was necessary, but both brothers knew he had the strongest urge to roll his eyes every time the word awesome came out of Gilbert's mouth.

They arrived to school 10 minutes early, an incident thanks to their father's prestigious attendance and great influence, and separated to go to search for their classes on their own.

 _This is my first story, and I am still don't sure if I should continue it. I have a lot of things planned for this story, but still… So if you liked the story, please let me know in a review or favorite, it would mean a lot to me._


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